You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
