We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
