i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
