Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
