I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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