You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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