I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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