is your mom at the bar?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
