After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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