i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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