I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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