You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
