look no pants
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
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pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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