He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
