I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
