What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
