Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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