Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
