Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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