my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
it glows. i had to have it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
