How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
