i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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