Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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