I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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