Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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