i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
