fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't think brook has ever known best
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Text me some of your sweat
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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