Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
