You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
