This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My feet surprised me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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