I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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