i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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