Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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