For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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