Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
there's paper in my vomit.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
