How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
