i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
