My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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