last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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