New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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