Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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