So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
