I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
