Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
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A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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