I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
