my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
