you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
