I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
