if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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