Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
