why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
