Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
