if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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