Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
