well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
